But You Didn’t Expect It To Feel Like This

When the New Year arrives, we fill ourselves with visions of what will be different, what we will do better, the changes we promise to make.

The problem with change is that it disrupts one of the core aspects of our humanity: the need to feel safe. Change brings uncertainty, doubt, and risk. Change moves us out of our comfort zone where we feel assured and relaxed. Change is emotionally disturbing. The choice to change is really a status check on our willpower. How strong is our will to power against the obstacles? What we were used to expecting is different once we make a change. Unmet expectation can trigger other negative feelings like disappointment, regret, frustration, betrayal and sadness...

So how do we deal with those feelings, assuming you allow yourself to be aware of the feelings that arise when you have committed to make changes? In our visions, change is always a bright, sunny outcome with smiles and joy. And while those results may ultimately manifest, in the moments of change, it can feel quite horrible. 

When you decide to use less sugar, your coffee might taste like ass. When you decide to increase your exercising, you might feel guilty about that time it takes up. When you decide to cut back on social media, you might feel lost. When you decide to change what you hold on to, what you release and how you show up in your interpersonal relationships, you might feel  threatened, rejected and afraid. 

And these negative feelings, no matter how short-lived they might be if you persist past them, can make you want to retreat and give up on changing. 

Because it is so easy to romanticize, you weren’t prepared for change to feel this awful and now you are second-guessing that vision of a new reality. Maybe sugar isn’t so bad because good-tasting coffee means more to you than you thought? Maybe you can accept a larger physique because at your age, who hasn’t gained some weight? Maybe social media isn’t the problem because you would be watching Netflix anyway? Maybe you shouldn’t throw that stuff out because you just can’t see how you will need it later on? Maybe you can deal with that toxic friend, lover, coworker or boss by just doing a better job at ignoring the worst parts of them? Maybe you don’t need to change how you respond or create stronger boundaries because everyone has flaws, right?

Stop lying. You’re making excuses. You’re rationalizing. Just admit it, you’re struggling… BUT you embrace the level of self-confrontation change is bringing. You appreciate your character being challenged, your ego needing to be checked and your integrity being exposed. Because now, you have the chance to reaffirm that you are who you think you are, and that you will keep stepping towards growth and self-actualization no matter how much your inner self is screaming at you right now. You can look at the bigger picture and recognize that the changes you chose are essential for you to live a more fulfilling life. You understand that the changes won’t feel like changes forever. Once you have fully integrated them into habits, the feelings of security and comfort will return, as well as a boost in confidence for being able to stick to what you said you were going to do.

I share this with you because I too am feeling the full angst of change. I sat in paralysis yesterday, unable to start a new painting because I have decided to change my subject matter completely–to take a hiatus from painting the human form, something I have done for more than twenty years. And while I reveled in the grandiosity of taking such a bold and courageous decision, the moment when the paint had to touch the canvas to create a new kind of artwork, I was stuck. It felt like I wasted hours sitting in my chair, staring at a blank canvas, knowing exactly what I needed to do but unable to make the first stroke. 

Ultimately, I just went for it. I reminded myself of the values behind my decision to change. I released what I realized was an obsession over the outcome, and admittedly, worrying about what others might think! I had to deliberately put my focus exclusively on giving the most authentic effort I could to paint a new kind of expression. And most importantly, I snapped myself out of thinking about the future and ruminating over the past, and radically situated myself in the present to tune into the process at hand, and to enjoy it!

So the takeaway is that change usually does not happen overnight. While New Year’s Day is just one day out of the year, every day is a new start to make a step toward change.

To choose to change is admirable, and to experience it is disorienting. But we have the ability to master our minds and emotions, and should we also choose to rise to the occasion, we will see our changes come into fruition.